IO9 Reports:

Alien Western, a sci-fi television film about giant, vicious, alien bugs that come to earth to gorge themselves on the uranium deposits found in the ground of an Old West town, began principal photography this week in Romania starring James Marsters as Sam Danville, an outlaw who is about to be hanged when the aliens land.

Could be cool, giant alien bugs, the old west, Romania, what’s not to like?

——->Our Etsy store is DuckRocketship<------

Our first two products are:

Cherrylien Spaceman Alien Invader

Blue Spaceman Alien Invader

Both are set at $7.50 with $3.50 shipping in US. Will update with more soon, they are ready to be posted up!

Also, pics of the monster thing in the new Star Trek here. Thanks to Avery for reminding me!

A clip of the film:

Dianying links: English, Chinese
Cast list:
Bai Hong … Miss Deer
Lin Lin … The Fox
Lin Longsong
Xu Yu
Ou Yunlong
Liu Yunlong
Li Minlang
Yang Weixi
Wang Ge
Xiandawang
Xiaolong
Zhou Wanfen

All other information on this film is in Chinese. I have run it through babelfish, because wordpress freaks out if I try to copy Chinese characters onto it, I can’t copy them over (anyone know what to do for Chinese in wordpress??) The translations are rough, as it some of the “English” reviews. That clips of the film exist show that it must be around, in some form. Hopefully there is a release out there. I will be keeping my eye open for this one.

Here is a wikipedia page, in Chinese.

A long article on the film in Chinese

This site lists the film, and the title literally translates to “The beginning of spotted deer”
Ran Through Babelfish

Hemophagia wolf fierce and brutal, the seductress directs the wolf, the sika to revenge, Miss Lu unreasoning passion—— Is the same with all heroic story, behind each hero has an unknown start also to have the woman who audiences all know, BATMAN ” Decisive battle time ” , ” Exceeds others in ability first volume of ” , ” Night of evil spirit variant ” , spider man, X-man…. Each people want to ask these heroes before being engaged in the heroic enterprise to make anything, the BATMAN is the wealthy family shopkeeper’s children who parents double perish (approves! Looks for the husband is must select this kind), the superhuman is the outside star baby who parents double perish usually works as reporter, the night of evil spirit variant is blind person attorney who parents double perish and has not raised the seeing-eye dog, the spider man is parents double perishes the student who looks after depending on the aunt, X-man too many people omits, not wrong, you discovered that by the above several examples, surpasses 80% heroes is since childhood the dead parents, although with bursts into tears sowing seeds, must like the harvest to describe that is not too appropriate, no matter but how saying that the story always like this starts. Also has how many people to know that now the chivalrous person sika’s story

I wanted already not to be possible to test, let us from the playbill title, was returning to same year’s scene with me (this is some television news station habitually using grammar), the words said the chivalrous person sika or fawn’s time (personal servant compared to almost great time, but nose was black), the one day of forest had the fire, Lu Balu the mother escaped without enough time has been burnt, grew up day-by-day along with the fawn, it changed is stronger, a on silique, (development process please have also referred to lion king), one day of he had no intention to discover, originally in the pastThat fire is not an accident, is the hemophagia wolf to eat roasts the ripe meat to put intentionally, is only to satisfy desire of the own food and drink to kill many innocent micro-organisms unexpectedly, the chivalrous person sika decides to revenge, to complete inside the eradication forest evil animal—The hemophagia wolf, he decided that is also cooperating according to the BATMAN pattern with also evil animal fox young lady (looks like cat female), he planned that (this which tempts the hemophagia wolf using the seductress decolorization to tempt well him starts nearby Shan ? who is worth mentioning is the entire play’s essence, idea is meticulous, fox with wolf appearance, size only has not missed likely many, if asked hippopotamus young lady to develop does has pounded, moreover hippopotamus could not leave water to be too long, also possibly first rolled to Shan ?bian), all were being planned, silique’s male deer in spring

Has the fall time is very fierce, casual for goes against the hemophagia wolf descends the mountain ?, the story had finished, this story also has an important role is ” Lu Yeshi ” Was also Miss Lu (audiences all knows has been all wet, came in quickly), he was the chivalrous person sika’s friends from childhood, the sika also likes him, but he will be a vase will only cause trouble, therefore did not waste the length to give unnecessary detail, you knew behind all heroes had the woman who held back, but on the other hand, these heroes because these women are really not a hero, this was the chivalrous person sika’s origin—-Let us cheer the slogan together: Natural scenery, animal attire, chivalrous person sika!!!!

This makes a lot of sense. Okay, how about another viewpoint…

Here is some info on a site that I can’t find the link to anywhere:

THE FANTACY OF DEER WORRIER
CHANG Ing
1961 Taiwan 35mm B&W 87mins

The happy lives of animals in the forest are stirred by the sudden attack of a pack of wolves. Following the chaos, new drama and complications are introduced and the forest is forever changed. This is not a children’s animation film but a film in which a group of the most popular actors in the 50s and 60s dressed up in animal suits to play out this slapstick comedy.

Note the bad translation of the name, but I think that is how it was marketed. Some older Chinese films don’t have English translations at all, and many other are just literal translations.

Older poster:

Allrighty-then. After his African adventure in “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls,” Ace returned to Florida, married girlfriend Melissa (Ann Cusack) and became the doting father of a baby boy. Never one to sit still, Ace’s curious nature took him on another remote case. The goofball gumshoe was never to be seen or heard from again.

Single mom Melissa couldn’t fully put the past behind her. Now a zookeeper, she and Ace Jr. (Flitter) have made a life carrying on without her husband. Much to Melissa’s chagrin, however, 12-year-old Ace Jr. has begun to follow in his father’s comic footsteps. He has recently become a pet detective for the 7th grade set, often trying to recover classmates’ missing pets, and always with big mishaps.

But when a master animal thief abducts a baby panda and his mom is wrongly arrested of the crime, Ace Jr. must jump into action. Now, with the help of pals Laura and tech wizard A-Plus, young Ace must bring the thief to justice and do his inane and lovable dad’s memory justice

Courtney Cox refused to return as well, so the third Cusack will now be the girlfriend. And can we talk about naming the tech whiz kid (read=nerd) A-Plus? Why not just name him Chip or IQ? I already give this film an F-Minus.

Directed by David Mickey Evans admits , who made the terrific Sandlot, but the average Sandlot 2, as well as Beethoven 3 and 4. He let his kids pick this movie. Seriously. Sometimes, kids need to be drowned in the bathtub.

Here is the trailer

By all accounts, this movie is a celluloid armpit of crap. You can buy it on DVD at Target, which is where I became reminded of its existence. Thomas Kinkade is a hack who signs his name to paintings by lots of random artists, get sued, and gives out memos to studios making horrible demads to make doomed projects even worse than usual. Vanity Fair got a hold of his memo.

Here is an example of Kinkade awfulness:

It makes me want to vomit red, white, and blue.

The sixteen guidelines for creating the “The Thomas Kinkade Look”.

1) Dodge corners or create darkening towards edge of image for “cozy” look. This may only apply to still imagery, but is useful where applicable.

2) Color key each scene to create mood, and color variation. When possible, utilize cooler tones to suggest somber moods, and warmer, more vibrant tones to suggest festive atmosphere. In general, create a color scheme for each scene that can be accentuated through filtering, DI treatments, or through lighting. Most of my paintings feature an overall cool color envelope, into which warm accents are applied.

3) Create classic compositions. Paintings generally utilize a theme and variation compositional motif. Heavy weighting of the image towards one side, with accented areas of interest balancing it on the other side. Allow the eye to wander into the scene through some entry point. Be aware of where the viewer is standing at all times. Utilize traditional eye levels for setting the shot — that is, no high vantage points, off-kilter vantage points, or “worms eye view” vantage points. Generally focus on a standing adults viewpoint of the scene at hand.

4) Awareness of edges. Create an overall sense of soft edges, strive for a “Barry Lyndon” look. Star filters used sparingly, but an overall “gauzy” look preferable to hard edge realism.

5) Overall concept of light. Each scene should feature dramatic sources of soft light. Dappled light patches are always a positive, glowing windows, lightposts, and other romantic lighting touches will accentuate the overall effect of the theme of light.

6) Hidden details whenever possible, References to my children (from youngest to oldest as follows): Evie, Winsor, Chandler and Merritt. References to my anniversary date, the number 52, the number 82, and the number 5282 (for fun, notice how many times this appears in my major published works). Hidden N’s throughout — preferably thirty N’s, commemorating one N for each year since the events happened.

7) Overall sense of stillness. Emphasize gentle camera moves, slow dissolves, and still camera shots. A sense of gradual pacing. Even quick cut-away shots can slightly dissolve.

8) Atmospheric effects. Whenever possible utilize sunset, sunrise, rainy days, mistiness — any transitory effect of nature that bespeaks luminous coloration or a sense of softness.

9) A sense of space. My paintings feature both intimate spaces and dramatic deep space effects. We should strive for intimate scenes to be balanced by deeper establishing shots. (I know this particular one is self-evident, but I am reminded of it as I see the pacing of the depth of field in Kubrick’s “Barry Lyndon”.)

10) Short focal length. In general, I love a focal plane that favors the center of interest, and allows mid-distance and distant areas to remain blurry. Recommend “stopping down” to shorten focal lengths.

11) Hidden spaces. My paintings always feature trails that dissolve into mysterious areas, patches of light that lead the eye around corners, pathways, open gates, etc. The more we can feature these devices to lead the eye into mysterious spaces, the better.

12) Surprise details. Suggest a few “inside references” that are unique to this production. Small details that I can mention in interviews that stimulate second or third viewings — for example, a “teddy bear mascot” for the movie that appears occasionally in shots. This is a fun process to pursue, and most movies I’m aware of normally have hidden “inside references”. In the realm of fine art we refer to this as “second reading, third reading, etc.” A still image attracts the viewer with an overall impact, then reveals smaller details upon further study.

13) Mood is supreme. Every decision made as to the visual look of each shot should include the concept of mood. Music can accentuate this, use of edges can accentuate this, atmospheric effects accentuate this, etc.

14) The concept of beauty. I get rid of the “ugly parts” in my paintings. It would be nice to utilize this concept as much as possible. Favor shots that feature older buildings, ramshackle, careworn structures and vehicles, and a general sense of homespun simplicity and reliance on beautiful settings.

15) Nostalgia. My paintings routinely blend timeframes. This is not only okay, but tends to create a more timeless look. Vintage cars (30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s etc) can be featured along with 70’s era cars. Older buildings are favorable. Avoid anything that looks contemporary — shopping centers, contemporary storefronts, etc. Also, I prefer to avoid anything that is shiny. Our vintage vehicles, though often times are cherished by their owners and kept spic-n-span should be “dirtied up” a bit for the shoot. Placerville was and is a somewhat shabby place, and most vehicles, people, etc bear traces of dust, sawdust, and the remnants of country living. There are many dirt roads, muddy lanes, etc., and in general the place has a tumbled down, well-worn look.

16) Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say “Love this movie” and post them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks. Remember: “Every scene is the best scene.”

The list above is not all-inclusive, but is a good starting point for internal dialogue. These guidelines are not listed in order of importance, but are dictated off the top of my head. After painting for nearly 40 years, I still wake up every morning daydreaming about new ways to make paintings. Creating a movie is a natural extension of the picture making process, and hopefully my catalog of visual paintings, along with my visual guidelines in this memo will provoke dialogue, experimentation, and a sense of over-arching visual purpose.

We continue the CEREBRO/MAGNETO jokes from Mike that filled the original RiffTrax, and add to them jokes about smurfs, naked blue chicks, Captain Picard, and a certain mutant actor’s musical career.
Particularly good riffs include a callback to the terrible The Happening, Lemon drink, inconsistencies in mutant powers, and body counts.

While not the best RiffTrax I have heard, it was pretty entertaining and I enjoyed it. The Riff was aided by the fact the movie is entertaining on its own, I can’t wait until the third installment of the trilogy, because that is the film in the franchise deserving a butt kicking. Stop by RiffTrax.com and pick up a copy of this Riff.

The Happening has the distinction of being a movie about plants who leak an airborne toxin to kill people, because people are a bunch of douchebags who pollute the planet, kill bees, and spend lots of the film staring vacantly into space. This film is unbelievably bad, and the longer it goes, the worse the movie gets. The only likeable characters all die, and instead we have to follow the complete bore Mark Wahlberg is playing as he wusses his way around the East Coast. Mark is joined by Zooey Deschanel, who cannot act at all and spends most of the film staring with wide eyes. Rather disturbing. The third person in the main group is the daughter of John Leguizamo’s character, played by Ashlyn Sanchez, who is a small girl and thus Shyamalan gives her odd camera angles to emphasize how this is extra traumatic to her, even though the movie is boring. The likable characters such as John Leguizamo, the Hot Dog guy, the Army guy, and the two kids who get shotgunned all manage to die quickly. Everyone who lives does the dumbest things over and over again, to the point where you want them to die, but the movie hates you and keeps them alive. Up yours, The Happening. The film is filled with incorrect science on evolution and plant communication, plus just says “we’ll never know because it was nature” as an answer to almost everything. Even though the film already answered the question like twenty times in the film. Look for Dante from Clerks showing up as a jeep driver who has a need for speed and not wearing seatbelts.

A film like that would be quite painful by itself, but luckily we have Mike, Kevin, and Bill to keep us company. Thank goodness for that! From opening references about What’s Happening and stretching Deschanel, to constant breaking into songs and riffing on the terrible camera angles, fun times for all. Go to hell, plants!

Remember to run from the wind, because the wind is evil. And plants are evil, but it is the wind you run from. The movie tries to have jumpscares with wind! This movie is terrible. But the RiffTrax is golden. Stop by RiffTrax.com and pick it up, you’ll be glad you did, once you get over the fact you have to watch The Happening.

Seriously, this movie is TERRIBLE!