By all accounts, this movie is a celluloid armpit of crap. You can buy it on DVD at Target, which is where I became reminded of its existence. Thomas Kinkade is a hack who signs his name to paintings by lots of random artists, get sued, and gives out memos to studios making horrible demads to make doomed projects even worse than usual. Vanity Fair got a hold of his memo.

Here is an example of Kinkade awfulness:

It makes me want to vomit red, white, and blue.

The sixteen guidelines for creating the “The Thomas Kinkade Look”.

1) Dodge corners or create darkening towards edge of image for “cozy” look. This may only apply to still imagery, but is useful where applicable.

2) Color key each scene to create mood, and color variation. When possible, utilize cooler tones to suggest somber moods, and warmer, more vibrant tones to suggest festive atmosphere. In general, create a color scheme for each scene that can be accentuated through filtering, DI treatments, or through lighting. Most of my paintings feature an overall cool color envelope, into which warm accents are applied.

3) Create classic compositions. Paintings generally utilize a theme and variation compositional motif. Heavy weighting of the image towards one side, with accented areas of interest balancing it on the other side. Allow the eye to wander into the scene through some entry point. Be aware of where the viewer is standing at all times. Utilize traditional eye levels for setting the shot — that is, no high vantage points, off-kilter vantage points, or “worms eye view” vantage points. Generally focus on a standing adults viewpoint of the scene at hand.

4) Awareness of edges. Create an overall sense of soft edges, strive for a “Barry Lyndon” look. Star filters used sparingly, but an overall “gauzy” look preferable to hard edge realism.

5) Overall concept of light. Each scene should feature dramatic sources of soft light. Dappled light patches are always a positive, glowing windows, lightposts, and other romantic lighting touches will accentuate the overall effect of the theme of light.

6) Hidden details whenever possible, References to my children (from youngest to oldest as follows): Evie, Winsor, Chandler and Merritt. References to my anniversary date, the number 52, the number 82, and the number 5282 (for fun, notice how many times this appears in my major published works). Hidden N’s throughout — preferably thirty N’s, commemorating one N for each year since the events happened.

7) Overall sense of stillness. Emphasize gentle camera moves, slow dissolves, and still camera shots. A sense of gradual pacing. Even quick cut-away shots can slightly dissolve.

8) Atmospheric effects. Whenever possible utilize sunset, sunrise, rainy days, mistiness — any transitory effect of nature that bespeaks luminous coloration or a sense of softness.

9) A sense of space. My paintings feature both intimate spaces and dramatic deep space effects. We should strive for intimate scenes to be balanced by deeper establishing shots. (I know this particular one is self-evident, but I am reminded of it as I see the pacing of the depth of field in Kubrick’s “Barry Lyndon”.)

10) Short focal length. In general, I love a focal plane that favors the center of interest, and allows mid-distance and distant areas to remain blurry. Recommend “stopping down” to shorten focal lengths.

11) Hidden spaces. My paintings always feature trails that dissolve into mysterious areas, patches of light that lead the eye around corners, pathways, open gates, etc. The more we can feature these devices to lead the eye into mysterious spaces, the better.

12) Surprise details. Suggest a few “inside references” that are unique to this production. Small details that I can mention in interviews that stimulate second or third viewings — for example, a “teddy bear mascot” for the movie that appears occasionally in shots. This is a fun process to pursue, and most movies I’m aware of normally have hidden “inside references”. In the realm of fine art we refer to this as “second reading, third reading, etc.” A still image attracts the viewer with an overall impact, then reveals smaller details upon further study.

13) Mood is supreme. Every decision made as to the visual look of each shot should include the concept of mood. Music can accentuate this, use of edges can accentuate this, atmospheric effects accentuate this, etc.

14) The concept of beauty. I get rid of the “ugly parts” in my paintings. It would be nice to utilize this concept as much as possible. Favor shots that feature older buildings, ramshackle, careworn structures and vehicles, and a general sense of homespun simplicity and reliance on beautiful settings.

15) Nostalgia. My paintings routinely blend timeframes. This is not only okay, but tends to create a more timeless look. Vintage cars (30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s etc) can be featured along with 70’s era cars. Older buildings are favorable. Avoid anything that looks contemporary — shopping centers, contemporary storefronts, etc. Also, I prefer to avoid anything that is shiny. Our vintage vehicles, though often times are cherished by their owners and kept spic-n-span should be “dirtied up” a bit for the shoot. Placerville was and is a somewhat shabby place, and most vehicles, people, etc bear traces of dust, sawdust, and the remnants of country living. There are many dirt roads, muddy lanes, etc., and in general the place has a tumbled down, well-worn look.

16) Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say “Love this movie” and post them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks. Remember: “Every scene is the best scene.”

The list above is not all-inclusive, but is a good starting point for internal dialogue. These guidelines are not listed in order of importance, but are dictated off the top of my head. After painting for nearly 40 years, I still wake up every morning daydreaming about new ways to make paintings. Creating a movie is a natural extension of the picture making process, and hopefully my catalog of visual paintings, along with my visual guidelines in this memo will provoke dialogue, experimentation, and a sense of over-arching visual purpose.

We continue the CEREBRO/MAGNETO jokes from Mike that filled the original RiffTrax, and add to them jokes about smurfs, naked blue chicks, Captain Picard, and a certain mutant actor’s musical career.
Particularly good riffs include a callback to the terrible The Happening, Lemon drink, inconsistencies in mutant powers, and body counts.

While not the best RiffTrax I have heard, it was pretty entertaining and I enjoyed it. The Riff was aided by the fact the movie is entertaining on its own, I can’t wait until the third installment of the trilogy, because that is the film in the franchise deserving a butt kicking. Stop by RiffTrax.com and pick up a copy of this Riff.

The Happening has the distinction of being a movie about plants who leak an airborne toxin to kill people, because people are a bunch of douchebags who pollute the planet, kill bees, and spend lots of the film staring vacantly into space. This film is unbelievably bad, and the longer it goes, the worse the movie gets. The only likeable characters all die, and instead we have to follow the complete bore Mark Wahlberg is playing as he wusses his way around the East Coast. Mark is joined by Zooey Deschanel, who cannot act at all and spends most of the film staring with wide eyes. Rather disturbing. The third person in the main group is the daughter of John Leguizamo’s character, played by Ashlyn Sanchez, who is a small girl and thus Shyamalan gives her odd camera angles to emphasize how this is extra traumatic to her, even though the movie is boring. The likable characters such as John Leguizamo, the Hot Dog guy, the Army guy, and the two kids who get shotgunned all manage to die quickly. Everyone who lives does the dumbest things over and over again, to the point where you want them to die, but the movie hates you and keeps them alive. Up yours, The Happening. The film is filled with incorrect science on evolution and plant communication, plus just says “we’ll never know because it was nature” as an answer to almost everything. Even though the film already answered the question like twenty times in the film. Look for Dante from Clerks showing up as a jeep driver who has a need for speed and not wearing seatbelts.

A film like that would be quite painful by itself, but luckily we have Mike, Kevin, and Bill to keep us company. Thank goodness for that! From opening references about What’s Happening and stretching Deschanel, to constant breaking into songs and riffing on the terrible camera angles, fun times for all. Go to hell, plants!

Remember to run from the wind, because the wind is evil. And plants are evil, but it is the wind you run from. The movie tries to have jumpscares with wind! This movie is terrible. But the RiffTrax is golden. Stop by RiffTrax.com and pick it up, you’ll be glad you did, once you get over the fact you have to watch The Happening.

Seriously, this movie is TERRIBLE!

Here is a sneak peak:

USS iNterprise

UK UFO files reveal alleged attempt to shoot UFO

By RAPHAEL G. SATTER

LONDON – An American fighter pilot flying from an English air base at the height of the Cold War was ordered to open fire on a massive UFO that lit up his radar, according to an account published by Britain’s National Archives on Monday.

The fighter pilot said he was ordered to fire a full salvo of rockets at the UFO moving erratically over the North Sea — but that at the last minute the object picked up enormous speed and disappeared. The account, first published in Britain’s Daily Star newspaper more than 17 years ago and to this day unverified by military authorities, was one of many carried in the 1,500 pages the archives made available online.

The unnamed pilot said he and another airman were scrambled on the night of May 20, 1957 to intercept an unusual “bogey” on radars at a Royal Air Force Station Manston, an airfield at the southeastern tip of England about 75 miles from central London.

“This was a flying object with very unusual flight patterns,” the pilot said, according to a typed manuscript of his account mailed to Britain’s Ministry of Defense by a UFO enthusiast in 1988. “In the initial briefing it was suggested to us that the bogey actually was motionless for long intervals.”

Ordered to fly at full throttle in cloudy weather, the pilot said he was given the order to fire a volley of 24 rockets at the mysterious object.

“To be quite candid I almost (expletive) my pants!” the pilot said, saying he asked for confirmation — which he received.

Retired U.S. airman Milton Torres told Britain’s Sky News on Monday that he was the pilot and has spent 50 frustrating years attempting to uncover the truth of his mid-air encounter.

Speaking from his home in Miami, Florida, Torres said he never saw the UFO with his naked eye, but watched in awe as it appeared on his jet’s radar and sped off before he had chance to fire.

“All of a sudden as it was coming in, it decided to take off and leave me behind … The next thing I know it was gone,” Torres told Sky News. “It was some kind of space alien craft. It was so fast, it was so incredible … it was absolutely death defying.”

In the newly published government file, the U.S. airman said the UFO appeared impossible to miss.

“The blip was burning a hole in the radar with its incredible intensity,” the pilot said. “It was similar to a blip I had received from B-52’s and seemed to be a magnet of light. … I had a lock on that had the proportions of a flying aircraft carrier.”

As he closed in on the object to prepare for combat, however, the object began to move wildly before fading off his radar. The target gone, the mission was called off, and he returned to base to an odd reception.

“I had not the foggiest idea what had actually occurred, nor would anyone explain anything to me,” the pilot said. He said he was led to a man in civilian clothes, who “advised me that this would be considered highly classified and that I should not discuss it with anybody not even my commander.”

“He disappeared without so much as a goodbye and that was that, as far as I was concerned,” the pilot said, according to the account.

Britain’s military said it had no record of the incident, according to the files. Neither did the U.S. military. The second pilot’s account, also included in the files, paints a somewhat different picture of events, saying there were not one but several “unknowns” and that he did not remember being contacted by anyone about staying quiet. He did not mention the targets’ size.

“I know this is not a very exciting narrative but it is all I can recall,” the second pilot said.

His name, like his colleague’s, was redacted from the files.

David Clarke, a UFO expert who has worked with the National Archives on the document release, said it was one of the most intriguing stories he had culled from the batch of files released Monday.

He said that the CIA once had a program intended to create phantom signals on radar — and that this may have been an exercise in electronic warfare. Whatever the case, Clarke argued that “there’s no doubt something very unusual happened.”

Clarke said the batch of files released Monday — which include witness accounts, investigations, and sketches — was part of a three to four year program intended to make a total of 160 UFO-related files available to the public.

MGM Acquires Comedic Satire 2012-ish
Source: Screen Daily
November 10, 2008

Screen Daily reports that MGM is in negotiations to acquire end-of-the-world comedy 2012-ish: The Day the Earth Bent Over, formerly known as “Armageddagain.”

Produced by Hadeel Reda, the $25 million film will be directed by Robert Moniot from the screenplay he co-wrote with Travis Oates; it is set to shoot in Louisiana for a March 9 start date.

The plot follows a young scientist who fights to save the planet from a number of catastrophes that threaten mankind not to mention a bumbling president and a manic depressive NASA commander.

“The film is a comedic satire in the vein of ‘Airplane!’ and ‘Young Frankenstein,’” said Reda, “The film has an engaging story and the actors play the comedy straight with sharp dialogue and visual humor like the original classics of the genre.”

Dance Flick

Another Girls with Guns flick from Hong Kong, as they make great filler while I polish up goofy superhero reviews.

Complete with crazy girl dressed as a man, and a clip. Read today!